The Best Way to Talk About Problems

When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to “communicate” – or talk to each other.

In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse.

For the most part, there are two basic ways of talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identification (described below). Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict.

If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:

get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)
offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack
hide and conceal similar behavior in the future
The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:

increased distance

less understanding and greater dissatisfaction
the lack of a genuine resolution
increased future conflict

A more effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, not a partner’s behavior.

Problem Identification – Focus on One’s Feelings

A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if, your partner deserves blame).

It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes. For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you’re so late – why do you do that?” – it helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated. I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”

When trying to discuss a problem – it’s important not to assign blame. Even saying something as simple as “It makes me feel uncomfortable…” can come across as an accusation – leading to a defensive response.

Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get your partner to hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.

By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behavior, partners are more likely to:

listen to what you have to say
empathize with your position
discuss the problem in a constructive manner
And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:

increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding
greater potential for resolution and change
less future conflict

Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes